Hi
Been wanting to write this for at least a year now, maybe longer, mostly just to get things out of my head.
Struggled with a few things about writing it.
Why do I want to write it?
What am I hoping to get out of it?
How can I write this in such a way, I get across what I'm trying too?
Who am I actually writing it for?
How can I make it not sound sad ?
Putting all those aside slightly I'll just blaze ahead, who knows where it'll end up, how long it will be or whether any of the above points will be covered.
Is weird just wired differently, same letters but not the same thing.
Most, we'll all of my life Ive done things slightly differently from others and others have done things differently from me, obviously.
A lot of incidents and reactions I have had, have on numerous occasions rexulted in people calling me weird, or similar words.
For years I just laughed at this as it was generally said in a fun way, with no malice intended.
However, over maybe the last ten or so years I've been looking into my behaviours, trying to explain them, mostly to myself as I have no idea how to explain it to someone else.
As with anyone, I presume, most of my behaviour is normal, if there is a normal, i can intract with life an people etc mostly
Then there are the parts I can't explain, well until maybe now
I'm going to write a list of things I either do and don't understand why or things I do I 'get'
In no particular order, except as they come into my head.
1. My brain never switched off, were stories, plans, projects etc. It's a constant, which can lead to me always interrupting people, not being able to pay a lot of attention. Which has probably annoyed every person I know at some point. No one will realise how hard I work on this and how good I am at not interrupting even more than I do. Whether this is something like ADHD or I just like talking who knows. I'd like to not do it though, how I go about this I'm not sure.
2. I have a definite lack of interest/empathy with people's life's. . I don't like talking about what I did today, what I do for a living, what you do for a living, small talk. One of the reasons I got into PTing and fitness was actually to try and make me better at this, put me in 1:1 situations
Not sure I've ever told anyone that before ?
P.s it didn't really work as my clients will tell you
3. I struggle spending time with people for long periods of time. This can be after a couple of hours or a couple of days and not necessarily just in 1:1 situations.
The best way to explain how I feel is this - it's like claustrophobia, I need to get away, I need air
And I know it's nothing to do with the person or the company it's in my head, but how can you explain that to someone, especially a girlfriend
4. No3 is probably the biggest reason for mr drifting away from friends, girlfriends etc I have maybe 4 friends I've known for over 10 years I still have contact with. I even struggle to phone contact family and struggle to speak to my mum, my mum!, for more than 30minutes, the claustrophobia kicks in
5. I've never been on holiday, just 2 of us, or lived with a partner. How I would cope with that I'm not sure
6. I find myself avoiding situations where I might end up ' having to' leave, the easy option
I don't and haven't tried to get into a relationship for years as I don't know why or how I could put someone through what I live with.
7. I am way better at dealing with things than I used to be, I can feel things building up, pause myself, think and react better, but still I get a lot of flack for lack of sympathy emotions, seriousness etc. You can't feel what you don't feel.
8. I love the fact I make myself and others laugh everyday
9. I generally always look for win win situations rather than what's in it for me
10. I like spending time on my own but hate being lonely
11. If I want to spend time with you, I'll probably ask you 30minutes before, to do something all day, which funnily enough doesn't work out too often, people and plans eh 😀 Then at the end of the day I'll be glad to see you home
12. I don't react well to change, tell me we're doing something or you want me to do something and then change, my wee brain doesn't compute that
13. I love a project, planning, obtaining material, researching, doing, done. Then as soon as it's done I have little feeling about it ?!?
14. I'm think I'm a creature of habit, but I change my habits a lot
15. I struggle with empathy, even though people think I'm good with it, its not fake, I get it, I just don't feel it
16. People always ask me, why re you never serious, give a serious answer, the real reason is, I don't know think many things are serious (apart from some obvious ones) I have no concept of 'things' I like things, but if I lose them for whatever reason they are gone, things people (except for maybe 1) once they're gone they're gone.
17. I've no idea of the point of this list
18. I'm sorry to anyone who I have lost or in their eyes mistreated through these brain fucks I go through
This probably reads quite sad, but it is t meant to, not even sure if all of the above are facts or stories I tell myself, another project I'm working on, are my stories true.
Am I as normal as everyone or am I actually different, I've thought Asperger's, slight autism,maybe, not looking for excuses, some of my behaviour is just normal crap behaviour, but if I can understand it better, I can explain it better, if that makes sense.
As much as I lack real empathy, I will be shown more ?? Who knows
Thats it I think
P.S Writing this hasn't cleared my head as much as I'd hoped, but its done now
P.P.S I'm OK, not going through a bad day,or time, this is my every day :-)
